A Fanfiction
by Kvaedi
Summary: Oh..haha...I've outdone myself. An Anti-Mary-Sue story, from my russian lit series. What happens when Yami must hear a fanfiction? R&R!


**Disclaimer**: I don't own YGO, or even the copy of Chekhov: The Early Stories sitting in my lap. The first is the property of Kazuki Takahashi, the second is the property of the Regional Library in Berlin, VT. And of course, the story "A Drama" is the intellectual property of the estate of Anton Chekhov and of the translators, Miles and Pitcher. Don't sue me. 

**Author's Note**: I came across the story this is based on while waiting for my sister at her shrink's. It was so good, I burst out laughing and cheering at the end. I guess I laughed so hard, they mistook me for a patient. 

    An explanation is in order. This here is another in my series based on Russian Literature. How it works: I blatantly use the ideas of dead men and turn them into very AU YGO fics. (See Draw Card.) I may do a Cowboy Bebop one, too, or something else, if I get a good idea. 

    And this? Oh, this is a treat for the haters of Mary-Sue, starring Yami! I have done my best to preserve the ending of the original as well as the "drama". I won't say any more, just read and enjoy and REVIEW! ;D 

A Fanfiction

By Kvaedi 

With all concessions to Chekhov, and Kazuki Takahashi. No apologies to Sue writers. 

    The intercom buzzed on the desk, and the once-pharoah of Egypt tried to remember which of the little button thingies would make it stop. Finally, his secretary simply opened the door and walked in.   
    "Mr. Yami, Sir, there's this girl begging to see you," sighed little Yugi. "I'd have sent her away, but she keeps coming back, and she's been waiting for hours..."   
    Yami grumbled. He'd just finished his lunch.   
    "Banish her to the shadow realm or something. I'm busy."   
    "You know we can't do that, Yami," Yugi said softly. "Killing is wrong, and it just attracts more rabid fangirls. And this one is almost in tears, waiting."   
    The taller man sighed heavily. "Hm...all right, send her in to the conference room."   
    Yami took his time preparing himself: he gelled his bangs just so; put on his cape, and picked up his puzzle and cards, making himself look more powerful. The visitor was already in the conference room: no older than sixteen, wide eyed with a pimply complexion, and dressed in an expensive confusion of goth, skater, punk, and prep styles. She wore a black t-shirt from Hot Topic to symbolize the depths of her inner darkness, which no one could ever understand, especially not her parents. Over the top of that was a kimono-style jacket covered in embroidered dragons and fake chinese characters. She wore her Mudd jeans a size too big, and little size-8 white keds were on her size-9 feet. Her hair was in dreadlocks, but it was dyed pink in the front. As for her face, her eyes and lips were completely outlined in black and blackest red, respectively, and she had cat-eye contact lenses. As a final touch, at least fifteen different necklaces (bike chains, hemp, dog tags, and metal loops with interchangeable charms) and thirty different bracelets (friendship, and those stupid little fortune ones that when they break grant a wish) hung on her neck and wrists. Yami had never seen a person like this, and guessed she must be very rich to afford such...opulence. Either that, or she was insane--and either way, not someone he could just turn away.   
    On seeing Yami, the fangirl exploded into raptures.   
    "OMG LOL YAMI-KUN I LUV U! You wouldn't remember me but, like, I was at your last duel and I had the sign that, like, said like UR MY SOUL-MATE on it!!" Her voice was odd, somewhat of a mix of AOLese and suburban So-Cal slang creeping in. "I'm Jenni Star Skye! But on the internet I'm YamisGurl01 and AngelGodessPrincessYGO!!"   
    "How interesting. Sit down, please," said Yami, himself content to levitate in the corner. "How can I help you?"   
    The girl blushed, her whole face contorting with her glee. "OMG...well...like...um..." she began. "My name is Jenni Star Skye...I'm like, your biggest fan! I've seen every last one of your duels! Like...and I mean I play the CCG myself but, lol, I'm like, no good, lol, you know? Lol. N-E-Wayz...you're like...a god to me."   
    "I _am_ a god," said Yami, flatly.   
    "Yeah but like, I mean more than just at cards, ya know? Like...anyway...my friends and I, we are all such huge fans. Like, my friend ChibiGurlAnimeYamiCute wrote a fanfic, 'The New Duelist Princess' and 'A Love Greater then Words We Didn't Say,' and me, like, I wrote like, some poems about you, oh, and a song for Linkin Park! And my other friend wrote 'Bakura's Greatest Love,' it's yaoi!"   
    "Fascinating. But what can I do for you?"   
    "Rofl...like...well..." Jenni Star Skye looked down, obviously uncomfortable. "See, like, you're such a cool guy, and all, and well, I thought you'd have some like, good advice. You know everything about dueling, and like, well, I wrote a fanfiction...and before I post it I want to know what you, like, think, and stuff."   
     Jenni reached down into her backpack, a monstrous thing featuring Sanrio's most sickeningly cute creations, and pulled out a big, sticker-covered journal, at least three inches thick.   
    Now Yami cared only for his own adventures, his own stories of Egypt (which he occasionally shared with Yugi, to the boy's delight). Whenever he had to read or listen to fanfictions, he always felt like he was being stabbed in the head. The size of the journal terrified him.   
    Quickly, he said: "Then leave it with me, I'll read it later."   
    "Oh, Yaaammi-kun!" Jenni whined, walking up to him, her arms out. "I know you're busy, and junk, and like, you must hate me cuz I'm not pretty like the other girls, but please let me read my fic to you now...PLEASE??!"   
    "I'd be happy to, but--but I'm about to enter a new tournament, yes, that's right, a tournament."   
    "But Yami-chan...tomorrow band camp starts so I have to leave town like forever! You can flame me all you want but please be, like, cool and let me read it to you! It'll only take a sec! Pweases?!!"   
    She looked like she was about to hug him. Anything but that! He'd rather hug Yami Bakura. Just as she reached forward, he mumbled a response.   
    "All right...I'm listening. I can spare a second."   
    The fangirl squealed delightedly and hugged him anyway. "Oh Yami-sama, you're the greatest!" She then plopped down in a chair, leaving Yami to shudder behind his desk.   
    She began to read. First, two boys, named Joey and Tristan, were talking about this totally cute new transfer student to Orange Star High School--"hee hee, I didn't know your high school so I like, changed it to DBZ!!" She was cute but mysterious, very goth but also skater too, and she had some kind of strange item that looked like the millennium puzzle. Then Tristan left and Joey delivered an angsty monologue all about following the stars, trusting the heart of the cards, and not knowing one's destiny. Then Tristan came back, and he talked about a character, Pegasus Jr. Crawford--"this part is a little yaoi for my friend Andriod_45"--who was really dark and mysterious and evil, in a sexy way. He treated people horribly and there were rumors that he had a daughter, but he'd abandoned a long time ago when she was just a baby.   
    After Joey and Tristan had left the new girl herself showed up. Her name was Jenni Amber Love, and she was an orphan. She had heard of a boy named Seto Kaiba who was dark and mysterious and evil, but in a sexy way, and he didn't believe in love or the heart of the cards. She was determined to find him and show him that love was real.   
    Yami leaned back, still levitating, and thinking fondly of his soul room. He stared at the girl, his ears hurting from the sound of her voice and the repetition of "like." He heard nothing.   
    //Why choose me? Why do I have to listen to this crap? Is it my fault you wrote this "fanfic"? That journal is huge. I wish I were still dead.//   
    Yami looked up at the paintings that lined the conference room. Most of them had been taken from Pegasus's castle after the man's defeat. He stared at the one of Shadi, and remembered that his birthday was coming soon. Six-thousand, four hundred, twenty-seven: a real milestone. He decided to buy him a watch on his way home. Preferably one with a curse.   
    //I think I saw one in a little shop down on forty-third. It will go nicely with his millennium key, and it's better than getting him a new turban, like everyone got him last century...She's on to chapter twelve, part one has to end sometime. How could anyone be inspired to write on black paper like that, let alone this nutjob...Instead of writing fanfics, she ought to be off cutting herself, or rolling. She'd probably look more intelligent with a vibrator and pacifier in her mouth...//   
    "You don't think this chapter's starting to get kinda crappy?" Jenni asked suddenly, looking into his big purple eyes.   
    Yami had not heard the chapter. Flustered, he stammered a response that sounded almost like an apology.   
    "No, it's great, really intriguing," he lied.   
    Jenni grinned and continued to read:   
    "Jenni: You have to trust in the heart of the cards, Seto! When you stopped caring about others you lost your soul! Seto: The heart is just an organ in the stomach. As far as the heart of the cards, I lost my faith in that long ago. Cards don't have feelings. Jenni (confused): But don't you have love? Don't you care about anyone? Haven't you ever been in love? Seto (bitterly): I don't want to talk about it, the pain is great. (Pause) You look sad. What's up?"   
    During chapter sixteen, Yami yawned and his jaw popped. Scared that Jenni might have heard, he put his chin on his hands and watched her intently.   
    "Chapter Seventeen!!"   
    //Chapter Seventeen. By Ra, when will it end? If this torture lasts another ten minutes, I'll lose my mind. This is too much.//   
    Jenni got really excited, reading faster and faster, stumbling less over her handwriting quirks. Her voice got a bit squeaky.   
    "THE END!" she shouted.   
    Yami sighed relievedly and dropped from his levitation--but Jenni turned the page!   
    "...of Part One! Part Two: will their new-found love last, or will Seto be torn apart by the demons inside! And, find out Jenni's horrible past!"   
    Yami's voice quivered a little. "Excuse me," he interrupted. "But how many parts does this story have?"   
    "Five," replied Jenni, continuing to read as though afraid Yami might go. "Seto walked into the classroom. 'Jenni,' he called, hoping to hear his love's sweet voice once more. But she was missing, Joey said. Kaiba got scared for the first time in his life; he looked at Joey in the eyes, those brown orbs..."   
    Like a man on death row, Yami abandoned all hope. He gave up thinking about an end, and focused on keeping his eyes from crossing and his mouth from falling open in a stupor. The end of the story was so far in the future that five thousand years in the soul room seemed as long as a weekend at Disneyland.   
    "Bla blah blah, bla ba blaah bahblah blah..." Her voice rang in his ears. "Bla, blah blah, blah...Zzzzz..."   
    //I shouldn't have had that chili for lunch. Where's that Beano? Honda said that stuff works. Amazing how Jounouchi can eat those...hamburgers?...all day and still look like a twig with legs. I feel like an elephant in this leather...aww, lookit the little birdy in the window! Hi birdie birdie!//   
    Yami forced himself to sit up straight. He held one eye open, then switched to the other. She was starting to look blurry. The mats of hair on her head began to move on their own, writhing like snakes. She grew three heads. The fat roll over her belt swelled to fill the room, her bellybutton ring poked him in the eye...   
    "Seto: You must let me leave. It is my fate to face your father, once and for all. Jenni: But how can you say that, after all we've been through together? Seto (aside): I love her...but I must go. (to Jenni) I can't tell you. I'd rather die than tell you! Jenni: You can't go, I love you!!"   
    Jenni began to grow bigger and bigger, filling the entire room. The freakish contact lenses she wore expanded to a massive size, staring at him, taunting him. Then suddenly she shrunk down to a tiny size, like a little mouse, disappearing into the corner of the room, which was filling up with shadows.   
    "Seto (holding Jenni in his arms): Oh Jenni, I love you, you have shown me the heart of the cards, but now I'm dying! My soul is fading..."   
    Yami blinked and stared at Jenni without blinking, his eyes completely bloodshot. For an entire minute he stared at her, in a trance...   
    "Chapter One Hundred and Ten. The police show up. Seto: I'm sorry! Arrest me! Jenni: If he goes, take me too! I love him, I would die for him (she shows the cuts on her arm) I've been dying since I knew the truth! Croquet: But don't you care about your father? Kaiba killed him! Jenni (bursts into tears, grabs a gun):..."   
    Jenni began to grow again...His puzzle flashing with light, the third eye appeared in the center of his forehead. He looked madly around the room, his breath shaking. The room went black; with a primal scream Yami held up his hand.   
    "PUNISHMENT GAME OF DEATH!!!" he screamed, as she burst into a million tiny pieces... 

    "Take me away, I've killed her!" Yami said as Yugi rushed into the room with a policeman.   
    He was acquitted. 


End file.
